


A Starcage

by AnathemaKenobi



Category: Star Trek The Original Series
Genre: Crack, I tried ok?, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not exactly Old but Married and Spirk yes, OMS, Shenanigans, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:59:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27436969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnathemaKenobi/pseuds/AnathemaKenobi
Summary: Celeste is living the big life. She has just finished her career as a Starfleet’s doctor, she has supportive parents and oh! Her boyfriend have just asked her to marry him. Could his life be better? Yes, of course it could. His father’s betrothed is the most old-fashioned and close minded person of the Galaxy and won’t give them his blessing until he meets Celeste’s fathers: The retired Captain James T Kirk and the half-Vulcan Spock. They also have a Sehlat
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. In which there is a proposal

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you watch many things at the same time. This is loosely (hugely) based in the movie The birdcage

The starcage

“Celeste, will you marry me?”

“Oh Ernest , Yes, of course I w..

“Hold on, hold on a second. My stars, I didn’t press the Start button”

“Really, Ada*?Again?”

“Well, it isn’t my fault. Remind me why do we have to record the proposal of our daughter, please”

“Ernest’s father”

“Pff, Yeah right”

⭐️ UwU ⭐️

Let’s begin at the beginning, as Lewis Carrol said. After becoming bondmates, Kirk and Spock started living in a cottage in a ranch in Iowa. They never stopped travelling together beyond the stars, but now it is like a hobby more than a job. They usually visit their old friends, like Bones, Uhura, Scotty and the rest of the gang. After a year, they adopted Celeste a half-andorian, half-betazoid who was twelve years old.Althoughshe hasn’t any human DNA, she looked completely Human. Except her blood is blue and she has incredible telephatic and telekinesis powers. 

Our story begins ten years later, when she had finished his studies at the Starfleet Academy and her boyfriend Ernest proposed to her at the café. They were so happy but there was a problem. Ernest’s father, Finnegan was the most old fashioned, close minded and everything like that you would find in this century. Although he worked in a Spaceship he continues thinking as a 19th old man. He didn’t accept same genre marriage and he didn’t even thought about different species. To sum up, he was a jerk. 

Finnegan was supposed to be in a long space mission as a nurse, but the Captain fell ill and now he was on Earth for the next three weeks until everything was fine. So he decided to visit his son. So he dialed him and the conversation went something like this.

Ernest: Hi?

Finnegan: My son, how are you?

E: Fine.

And then a sudden tump. Kirk And Spock’s pet, a big sehlat had broken a vase

F: Ernest, are you alright?

E. Yes, yes. No worries

F: You sure? I thought I heard a...

“I-chaya jr, come down here now!!!

F: Son, what was that?

E:My erm girlfriend

To whom are you calling me your girlfriend, I am your fiancé

E: I am talking to my dad, Celeste!!

F: Wait, what?!? You are engaged and you didn’t told me anything!!!

E: I was waiting for the right time, now we are living with his parents until we can settle down

F:Well, now is a good time. I’m going to spend three weeks with you on Earth and they better be decent. Send me the coordinates, I’ll be there in the next 12 hours

And so on, now they had least than half a day to make everything “decent” . They only need to hide every no-earth item, the photos and a teddy bear with teeth. Oh and almost forgot, Jim and Spock would have to disguise as an hetero couple. Not a big deal, isn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Beloved in Vulcan 
> 
> Well, I’ll try to update weekly but I can promise anything. Tell me what you think


	2. In which there are disguises

12:00:00

11:59:59

11:59:58

“Oh, no . I’m not going to let you dress up like that time with the Archons again. You looked like a old-widow or something. I’ll have the dress and you’ll wear a beanie.”

“Inside the house? At all times? That’s highly illogical, Jim”

“Dad is right, Sa-mekh. Plus we need to think about a better history than the “Rice piker accident” 

“I don’t understand what are you talking about and I’m not sure if I want to know” interrupted Ernest” But I just phoned Amanda and she says  of course I will look after I-Chaya Jr while I am on Earthbut you’ll have to manage Sarek when he comes back from the Embassy”

“ Well, one problem solved” Celeste paused and then” I got it! Each day he can wear a different item. A hachimaki, a beanie, a hat, a runner... We can say that you are either an actor or a sportive person”

Jim thought for a moment.

“Ok, it’s great. Now to the Important point number 2. What kind of wig should I wear and does this dress makes me fat?”

⭐️ UwU ⭐️

10:00:00

9:59:59

9:59:58

Amanda arrived almost immediately thanks to the transporter technology.

“What’s happening here? Can someone explain me why my son and my son-in-law are dressed like they are going to a Carnaval party? And where are all your souvenirs from your travels?Your house looks like a fancy restaurant instead of the chaotic museum it usually is.

They explained to her the best they could

“I can believe this I thought you wanted me to look after your pet because you wanted to travel again or because of the...”

Ring,Ring

Someone was calling them.

Ernest picked up the phone. Everybody was in a nervous silence and all of them hear the stroundous voice of Finnegan.

“Hi, dad. What’s up?”

“I just found a shortcut. I’ll be there in three hours!!!”

“Well, that’s fantastic” he said while sharing a quick glare

“Bye, see you in a few hours!!”

And they started running.

⭐️ UwU ⭐️

9:39:52

3:00:00

2:59:59

“Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

“No, thank you Mum. I think it is already a good help to look after a 300lb teddy bear with teeth is enough”

“Well, But..”

“Do not worry. We have going trough worst situations”

“I know, I know. But don’t hesitate in calling me. Then, if that’s all. Good luck!”

She said while she started riding I-chaya like a horse.

Soon, Amanda was lost in the distance looking like an Amazonian on a bear.

They entered the house and they finish the job of hiding about 20 years of their shared history in the basement.

⭐️ UwU ⭐️

“Well, I think we have made a good job. This place looks like the first time we came here”

“Ashayam, it was an abandoned house. I remember you thought it was haunted.”

“My point exactly. Only without the spider webs”

“I’m sorry to interrupt but we need to make some photos or videos in order to make this place a bit home-y”

“Celeste’s right as always, but I don’t want to bother you anymore. You have made enough”

“All to make you two lovebirds happy. I can make an edit with some old holos”

00:00:04

00:00:03

00:00:02

00:00:01

00:00:00

Ding, Dong 

“This kind of people is always on time” Kirk murmured while squeezing Spock’s hand. 

“Don’t worry”  they shared through their bond 

“We are still being an odd couple”

Spock was wearing a blue knitted beanie that Bones gifted him last Christmas when he decided to make yarn crafts. It covered his ears and eyebrows. 

On the other hand, was wearing a medium-length fair wig and a Victorian dress, electric pink. The only thing the replicator could do in so short time. But it had to work.

They opened the door and said

“Welcome to the Grayson’s house”

“Nice to meet you mr and mrs Grayson”Shouted Finnegan in a characteristic Irish accent. 

And then Jim visibly paled.

“Pleased to meet you, Mister Ormerod” said Spock, staring worriedly at his partner.

“Oh, please call me Finn.” He offered him a hand shake, but..

“Wow, static electricity. And what a beautiful lady we have over here” 

And he kissed Jim’s hand.

“In that case, we are S..alomon and J..o yes Jo” they haven’t thought of a name. They pray silently to McCoy never found out that they have used his daughter’s name. 

“And where’s my son? I need to say some words to him. I dunno if you’ve the same problem but he never told me anything and ....” he continued babbling

“Please, come inside it is starting to darken and the nights are usually cold.”

And as the sun came down that day. Kirk and Spock thought it wasn’t going to be difficult. But, of course, they were wrong. Because something that only happens once in a lifetime and something that is related with biology were about to collide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m back I’ll try to update every Tuesday but I can’t promise anything ;)  
> This is going to have more chapters that I thought at first because I had the greatest idea. Don’t doubt in told me what you think. UwU


	3. In which they have Plomeek soup

“And then the audacity of the admiralwhen she tells me that we ain’t going to leave. She was the most irrespectful person I’ve ever had the displeasure to met. I wasn’t even sure she was human...”

Finnegan has been in the Kirk-Spock cottage ( now Grayson- house) for exactly 3 hours and he hasn’t stopped complaining for 2.9 hours.

He complained about the temperature, the day, the weather, the sports, the books he had been reading lately,...

To sum up, every common topic of a normal conversation but with continued criticism.

Now, while they were waiting at the table that Celeste and Ernest to finish making a dinner that was neither to alien or too “indecent”. He was “talking “ about the poor admiral that told him he needed to stay on Earth.

And of course Jim and Spock weren’t paying attention.

“ _I can’t stand it anymore, Ashayam”_

_ “Neither do I. But I’m here to make it amusing for you.” _

_ “Yeah, of course. That’s the point of a T’hy’la bond. Making sure your friend/brother/ lover doesn’t get bored taking with relatives” _

_ “It’s the logical thing to do. Anyway, I’ve been willing to ask you why were you so socked when you met him. You seemed pale for a second and I could feel your concern” _

_ “I thought you had recognise him but you hide it well. But I guessed wrong” _

_ “What?” _

_ “He is Finnegan” _

_ “I know. He is the cause of this facade” _

_ “Right, But Finnegan, Finnegan. The guy I knew from the Academy, remember? I fought a copy of him at the Omicron Delta planet” _

_ “Now, I remember. He seemed familiar to me..” _

_ “Yes, of course. I can’t recall which was your wish. About me with my shirt ripped maybe?” _

_ “ That would be beyond the point” _

“ Hey, you two. Is there something burning? Or it’s just me?”

Jim bit his tongue for the obvious pun. There was a smell of burn vegetables in the air. 

“We are sorry but...”

Ernest was holding a dark plate with burned food.

“It was supposed to be a vegetarian Shepherds cake. As you can see it isn’t food anymore. We have few groceries left”

They looked ashamed.

“Well, I’m hungry. Let’s see what I can find” Finnegan said while heading to the kitchen. They rushed after him.

Luckily, he didn’t pay attention to the ancient Vulcan plates nor the photo of Jim when he participate in the Orion cooking contest, half naked.(long story) There were little fires near the oven that Celeste was trying to suffocate.

Finnegan open the fridge. Inside there was only a huge bowl of Plomeek soup that they were cooking later. To make the recipe right, it had to stay in the fridge for 2.5 weeks and it has only been in there for 9 days. 

“Well, well. This soup looks delicious. I’ll heated it without setting it on fire”

⭐️ UwU ⭐️

They were eating in a peaceful silence.

“Oh my, Oh my. This is the best soup I’ve had in years. Congratulations to the beautiful chef” He said looking at Jim with a wink.

“Thanks” replied Spock.

“Oh, oh yes I mean. You cook?” Finnegan seemed surprised

“Indeed I do. I’m a professional cook.”

“I just assumed that Jo was the one who made it. My apologies. Then why didn’t you help them with...”

“Well enough of that” Celeste shouted “ I’ll make the dishes while you prepare to bed. Ernest come and help me”

They left them alone.

“How do you think is going?” She whispered 

“Good, I think. But the only words your Sam-Ek and your dad have said are all lies. What are we going to do if something goes wrong? Or if he decides to come back again?, he is my father after all”

“Firstly, don’t worry about that. We’ll get through this and secondly it is pronounced 

Sa-mekh”

“Are you sure?”He teased her “Maybe you should teach about Vulcan endearments you see...”

“What are you talking about lovebirds? What’s a Same Eck? Kids and their colourful expressions.” Finnegan startled them from behind

“Yes, it means that everything is good or beautiful”

“Oh, I see..” he said while leaving them alone again

They exchanged a look that meant

“We are so done and it hadn’t passed even 24 hours”

⭐️ UwU ⭐️

They let them sleep in the living room. Jim improvised a bed on the soft rug. When it was the middle of night Finnegan woke up picked up his journal and started writing.

_ Dear Diary: _

_ Today I’ve met my new soon-to-be relatives. My son seems so happy with Celeste and I couldn’t be prouder of him.  _

_ Salomon is very, I don’t know the exact word but strange in some way. He says is a cook but I’m not sure about that. I thought now a days every restaurant served replicated food. He didn’t stop wearing a hat. Even when it was time to go to bed _

_ Jo is Same Eck, she is a charming lady although her lack of fashion. I think she was wearing a wig. Also I’m 100 per cent sure Jo has a big crush on James T. Kirk a face that I thought I would never see again.I have seen at least two photos of him. Maybe I can tell her about our days together at the Academy? _

_ But I think they’re not being honest with me. There is something about this whole situation. It’s late. I would write more tomorrow  _

_ Note _

_ I can’t shake the feeling I know them from somewhere. Especially, Jo. I will investigate tomorrow. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Servus!  
> 


	4. In which Chekov eats a cookie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our favourite Russian makes an appearance

_ Dear Diary: _

_ Now, I know what is that odd feeling!! _

_ They are falling apart. After all this years the fire of romance has disappeared. But so true as my name is Finnegan I’m about to remedy that. How do I got to this truthful conclusion you’ll ask?  _

_ Well. Since the beginning I suspected Salomon was some kindof a dull and beautiful Jo was only standing him. But I was wrong!!! Both of them are like so, so boring!!! To understand this better I need to tell you this day from the morning to the evening.  Listen carefully I mean... _

_ ⭐️ UwU ⭐️ _

The new day arisen with a the sun going out, as always. Finnegan usually stayed in bed until it was at least a bit more bright outside. But for some reason, he started hearing footsteps at 6 o’clock in the morning. Who could be?

The force of habit of waking at that time in the five-year mission hadn’t died in Jim and Spock ever after all this time. So they often started the routine at 6 while cuddling a bit (a lot) in bed. That day a Saturday it wasn’t going to be different for them, but they have to move fast if they wanted to make the typical 21st century breakfast with the only box of cereal (no milk) and two eggs that were left.

Why won’t they use a food synthesiser you’ll wonder? The truth was that it was broken in an accident that involved a Sehlat in need of its yearly vaccines and that’s was all it took really it’s amazing how easily this kind of technology broke when it fell to the ground and it is stomped by a tiny alien bear. They have lend it to Scotty and it was supposed to be fixed sooner or later. But until then they’ll have to manage the best they can.

So as I was saying. They were heading to the kitchen when they heard footsteps. Who could be?

Luckily for everyone, Celeste was an early bird. Since she discovered when she was young that animals were more active in the morning she woke up at the same time everyday so she could feed her “pets” and continued do it. Celeste was the first one to hear someone messing in the house. Silently, she pick up her baseball bat and headed to the kitchen, where the sound was stronger. This someone was opening the counters and they were looking for something. The man, Celeste was confident about that point, didn’t watch her come from behind. And when she was about to come near to him, he turned around, with a mummified cookie in his hand and said with a thick Russian accent

“Hey, Keptin’s daughter. How are you doing?”

Celeste wasn’t surprised , more like worried. It wasn’t he first time nor the last time that Chekov or other member of the Starship Enterprise crew had appeared without knocking at the door and by climbing a window. But she didn’t expect to happen during this week. 

She heard that Finnegan had woken up and he was approaching them. 

She grabbed the Russian’s jacket neck and she pushed him towards her bedroom without saying a word. After that she closed the counters door with her telekinesis.

⭐️UwU⭐️

~~_ Note _ ~~

~~_ I’m 80% sure this house is haunted. _ ~~

⭐️UwU⭐️

Ernest had got used to wake up to weird things, after all he had gone to an Academy in space. But when he opened his eyes and he saw her angry girlfriend/fiancé with a Russian in a vintage Starfleet shirt, he hoped that he have keep them closed.

“What the heck are you doing here?! We have a bit of problem right now and in the next days”

“Oh, about dat. Now I remember How could we forget about that?

“Yeah, I thought it was clear. Wait, what do you mean with w...?

“What’s happening here?!??” Ernest shouted suddenly completely awake

“Ernest! Are you alright?!? Finnegan shouted too. 

“This must be a family thingy” thought Chekov

Celeste acted quickly. She shoved Chekov under the mattress , just before Finnegan erupted in their room.

“Dad!!? What’s the big deal? I need a bit of privacy sometimes. I’m not a teenager anymore”

“Sorry, sorry. I though I heard that someone had broken in.”

_ Achoo _

“Did you just sneeze?”

“Yeah, it was.. me?” Answered Celeste while closing the door.

_ “Celeste”  _

_ “Oh a telephatic message from Dad, just what I need” _

_ “ Hey, I sense that” _

_ “Sorry” _

_ “We need to go grocery shopping but we don’t even have a car. And Finnegan insisted in coming with me. Well, with Jo.” _

_ “I think I might have a solution for that” _

Then she closed the “call” and turned face to face with Pavel.

“Remember that favor you owed me?”

“Yeah..?”

“I need your car keys”

The truth was that it wasn’t any favor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I’m back!!!!  
> As always I hope you all are doing well.  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated


	5. In which they go grocery shopping in the FuTuRe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have decided to speed things a bit. Because otherwise I think I won’t be able to finish it. Don’t doubt in telling me if you like it.

“Where did you get this car keys?”  
“I have my methods, Dad”  
“Okay... Somehow I don’t want to know”  
“  
“Are we ready to go?”Finnegan interrupted their mental conversation

“Yes, yes of course. Who is drivin?”

“You do. It’s your car after all”

“Yeah, my car..”

We need a bit of context here,right?  
Let’s recap.  
Kirk is disguised as a woman (Jo), Spock as a human (Salomon) Their daughter (Celeste) tries to cover all of this and at the same time look like a human. Ernest is just there. Finnegan seems that doesn’t suspect a thing but believes the union between Jo and Salomon had weakened. Chekov has appeared in a car and he decided to steal food. Now he is hiding in Celeste’s bedroom and he have lend her his car. To go grocery shopping because there isn’t any food and they don’t have neither a replicator nor a car. They usually travel by a Transporter. But they think that it would be suspicious to have that kind of technology in the middle of nowhere being only a couple in the middle of nowhere?But Pavel have forgot to mention that Hikaru is sleeping in the backseat, hidden from the sight by a blanket and doesn’t know any of this. Let’s see how it develops. Oh, almost forgot. Ernest,Spock and Celeste had decided to stay at home to prepare Jim’s birthday party next week.

“You sure aren’t coming with us?” Kirk asked.  
“Yeah. You two need to have some in-laws-time”  
“I don’t think this is a good idea”

“Come on. I’m getting bored here”

“Go on. Don’t worry”

They exited the house.  
“Wow. What a car! I wonder why I didn’t see it yesterday. I guess it was because I was tired.”

In front of them there was a black Bentley from the twentieth century.

“I have always wanted to drive a car like this”  
“You know” said Kirk, seeing a light at the end of the tunnel “Why don’t you try?”  
⭐️UwU⭐️

They lasted about five minutes in a tense silence. Finnegan broke it with

“So, I have noticed that you and Captain Kirk...I don’t know how to say it.

“ _Oh no he have realised that we are the same person_.

“You have or had a crush on him, right?

_“What the f**?!?_

“Oh, don’t worry. I don’t blame you. He was attractive when he was young”

“ _Young!?!?”_

“I went to the academy with him, y’know?”

Jim straightened his face and say  
“Oh really?”

“Yes, we were like super-pals. We used to pull pranks in everybody and he left a lot of broken hearts on when he decided to run away to Space. But I lost his track and I don’t know if he finally got married. Do you know if he ended up with wife and children of his own?”

“Hey look. We have arrived.”  
They left the car at the parking lot. Five minutes later, Sulu woke up. He was confused of where he had arrived. He had an other pair of keys so he drove the car to where the signal of his app “Where’s the Russian” guide him.

⭐️UwU⭐️

“Where do we have parked?” Jim asked an hour later when they have finished shopping.

“There or maybe there”

“Hey lads, how are ye doing?” Said A chief of engineering with Scottish accent. “I have found Uhura too. What a coincidence! Why are you dressed like that, J..”

“What a beautiful surprise. Long time no see you girl, how is your husband doing?”  
Asked Uhura, As always catching of what was happening at an incredible speed.

“More friends of yours?”

“Yes. This is Uhura and his husband Scotty”

They looked at him strangely, that was new. Both of them were in a relationship in fact, but there was nothing more between them that a good friendship.  
“I’ll explain it to you later” Jim whispered.

“So about what we were doing wandering in this parking lot. It is because someone had stolen our car.”

“I doubt it, Finnegan. I think it may have returned home.”

“How?”

“I have a feeling about it”

“We can take you. We were going in that direction after all.”

“Thank you very much”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. Two things, well no three.  
> First of all, thanks for reading you are all amazing.  
> Point 2. I still hadn’t figured out the relationships between the crew. So please leave a comment about the one’s you like. If not, I will follow the rule “no one is straight in Space”
> 
> Point 3. Does anyone know how can I participate in a Secret Santa. I dunno if it’s to late or not. But every tiny bit of help is grateful.


End file.
